Letting the Garden Grow

I've been listening to Rooney's album "Eureka" since the plane ride from New York and their song "Holdin' On" really explains how I feel right now.

In the first verse, their lyrics are:

"I went to school

I never learned

How it feels

How everything you love can burn"

Just last year I graduated from high school and so much has changed in my life since then. School caters to a certain type of education, but our experiences outside of classrooms truly shape each one of us the most. We may learn about literary themes in English classes, but we can only relate to the characters and personally understand those themes once we have suffered from a similar experience. School does not prepare us for the loss of a loved one or the pain of a broken heart. Unfortunately, we must learn these lessons on our own time.

Dealing with suffering makes us stronger in a way no gym class will ever do.

The line "how everything you love can burn" explains the paradox of love. Situations involving love are never black and white; they are the whole color wheel. Red may symbolize the color of love, but there are as many shades of red as there are kinds of love. Family holds a unique kind of love - an ideally unconditional, supportive, and nurturing kind. My first experience with the pains of love dealt with the loss of family members. Later on came the pain of my first break-up. I learned that loving someone romantically when they do not love you back really "can burn." Like the loss of a loved one, only time and acceptance can heal the pain.

I also learned that mutual romantic love can still "burn" while in a long-distance relationship. When we fall in love, we want to be with the other person all the time and experience everything together. Not getting that physical time together can actually hurt. I have a similar heartburn now as I miss my family and friends back home. Like in a long-distance relationship, my heart hurts when I think about the space between me and my loved ones. For now, skyping and emailing will suffice, but the true remedy for my homesickness will be the airplane home.

The lyrics for the chorus are:

"And I don't know why I'm here

I don't know where I'll go

If I don't give it time

How can this garden grow

I don't know what I've lost

And I don't know how to get it back

But I'm holding on ...for as long as I can"

This part of the song really got to me. Even though I wrote an application for the Freeman Grant explaining my internship in Thailand, do I really know why I am at this specific wat in Thailand? I can come up with many answers, but if I dig deep down, I really don't know why fate brought me here of all places. I believe that discovering the reasons why this whole trip came together is part of the trip itself. And no, "I don't know where I'll go" after this experience either. I always wanted to join the Peace Corps and teach in a third world country, but my time here has already made me reconsider what I want to do with my life. Should I major in Psychology and French and minor in Education as planned or should I switch to Sociology, Philosophy, or Religious Studies? Does teaching in a third world country still appeal to me as much now that I have lived in one? I do not know the answers to these questions yet, nor will I know them at the end of my trip. I think going back to school and applying what I have learned here will help me put the puzzle pieces of my life together.

My experience at this wat symbolizes the garden in this song. At first, culture shock made me view the wat in a negative light. But with some time, I have already grown to enjoy it here. I do not know if I have lost any "baggage" yet (I wrote about that in a previous post), but I still have time and many more lessons to learn. I think I lost a bit of my germaphobia, immaturity, and potentially some sanity as well...who knows. All I can do is continue my journey here one day at a time and keep "holdin' on" until my flight back to America.

Garden at Rama Park

PS - I highly recommend checking out Rooney's CD "Eureka"

Day 15: A Not-so Fourth of July

Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat and this morning, my whole body ached. I wanted to sleep in and skip morning chanting, but somehow I got myself up. I probably should have just stayed in bed because I could barely hold my back up and I left early during meditation to take a nap before breakfast at 7 am. I possessed no will power to listen to my alarms and slept until 12:30 pm instead. My friend knocked on my door with a plate of fruit and chocolate dessert from Ven. Dhammananda. I went to thank Venerable and let her know what happened, but she was napping when I went to her office.
I did not think I could do any manual work today, so I went to the library and updated this blog. A pretty big heap considering I was 10 days behind. Another layperson brought me dinner as I videochatted with my mom outside. I did not expect this kind gesture and it made me happy to know that the people here cared about me and my health. I brought my dinner to the eating area and Dotcom kept me company by sitting near me. I saw four toads hopping over to the grass - a new record since I normally only spot one or two toads at a time. I also saw mommy gecko again...she is maybe 10 inches long (including her tail) and looks like a giant version of the other little geckos running around here.
I went to evening chanting, but I still felt too weak to hold myself up while sitting. I used my arms to help keep my back somewhat straight and I did not chant so that my throat could heal.

The worst part of today was in the morning when I realized that people here do not celebrate the 4th of July. I do not think that they should celebrate American freedom, but I simply forgot that Thais have no reason to consider this day a holiday. My mind has become conditioned to think of fireworks, barbeques, and patriotism on this day. I felt like Pavlov's dog not getting a treat for the first time. Living in Nakhon Pathom has taught me about what I take for granted in America. I never thought I would miss this holiday, but I miss the cheerfulness that comes with it. I enjoy spending time with friends and family, the food, the fireworks, and that easy-going feeling of summertime. July 4th represents a freedom, not just for our country, but from school and work. It serves as the Thanksgiving of summer, when we can spend time with the people we care about and remember what we are thankful for in our lives. Although I get a daily dose of Thanksgiving here, I wish I could spend this day with the people I care about most in my life. I guess another lesson from this trip is learning the difference between the physical and the mental. In Buddhism, mental suffering far surpasses physical suffering. This large emphasis on the mind applies not just to the 4th of July, but to each day I stay in Thailand. I may not be able to physically celebrate this holiday or spend time with my family and friends, but I think about them every day and I am there at the fireworks in spirit. And isn't that more important in the end?

Closest picture to an American flag that I have from this trip

Day 14: Dedication to a classmate

I finally got internet for the first time in a couple days and I found out through facebook, and then some online newspaper articles, that a classmate from my hometown drowned in a kayaking accident. I was in such shock...I could not believe that the stories were true. I kept rereading the articles in disbelief and then looking for more recent ones, hoping for a happy ending.
For some reason, my mind kept envisioning scenes from Huckleberry Finn - particularly when the townspeople thought that Huck drowned, but he was actually just in the woods nearby. I thought perhaps my former classmate, being an expert kayaker, made it to a shore somewhere and, like Huck, is still alive after all.
I realized that I kept thinking of Huckleberry Finn because I read that book in the one class I had with him in high school. I almost did not take that class, but I switched into it during the second week of sophomore year. That class had a handful of boys who liked to joke around with and distract the teacher. I admired her patience with them, but sometimes I felt like they took advantage of her sweetness and acted disrespectfully by making fun of her. What I liked about Steve was that his jokes always seemed more lighthearted than the rest. He did not have to put anyone down to be funny, a skill that not everyone possesses. And when he made a joke, everyone laughed because he had that kind of humor that we all could appreciate. Sometimes I really dreaded that class because the boys talked so loudly that I actually got headaches by the end of 45 minutes. Steve's witty remarks truly kept my sanity through some of those classes.
The teacher partnered us up a couple times and I remember being taken aback by his warm personality. When I talked, he would look at me straight in the eyes in a unique way that showed he was really listening. He had one of the most contagious smiles that I have ever seen and he put people in a good mood. I do not know anyone who did not get along with Steve. If I wrote a list of 5 people from high school who I wish I could have gotten to know better, he would definitely be on there.
I remember for our final, we had to write about what we would do if we could do anything in the world and then present it to the class. I cannot remember all the details, but I remember he wrote about becoming a professional kayaker. He talked about his experience thus far with kayaking, making it seem like the most exciting sport in the world. That fall, he attended a different high school and pursued his dream of kayaking at a higher level. Even though many people missed him, I think we were all impressed by his determination, skill, and passion for the sport. His good friends always waited for him to come back home to get to see him again. It makes me sad that now there can be no end to missing him.
Steve lived life to the fullest, the way we all should try to live. He took more risks in his 19 years than many people take in 80. I am dedicating today's post to him because even though I only knew him from one class, I spent the day thinking and grieving over the news. Although he did not officially graduate with our class, I think we all still considered him a part of it. My heart goes out to his friends and family. He left such a mark on everyone he met and his story reminds us that we must conquer our fears and take risks in life in order to live our dream. No matter how many years pass by from now, his unforgettable smile, his lust for life, his dedication to his dream, and so many of his other inspiring qualities will live on through the memories of everyone who knew him.

Day 13: Happy Birthday Mom!

I'd like to first dedicate this post to my mom since it is her birthday today, so Happy Birthday Mom!

Today was amazing. I woke up at at the usual 5:10 am for morning chanting, but after breakfast, Venerable Dhammananda held meditation class in the room with the Medicine Buddha. We spent the first 20 minutes listening to her dhamma talk for guided meditation. Almost all of it was in Thai, except the part when she scolded me about falling asleep...which I actually was not doing, but I have a hard time keeping my back straight during meditation, so I start slouching. Then we did 20 minutes of walking meditation in the room. We focused on 3 parts of stepping: picking up the heel, stretching the leg out, and placing down the foot. It reminded me a lot of theater exercises for using space, like walking fast or slow around the stage. I got scolded again for not turning correctly, but no one gave me instructions, so how should I know to make two 90 degree angles to turn around? The last 20 minutes consisted of silent meditation in which we were not allowed to move at all. I definitely became more mindful of my movements after class.
I had some free time before lunch, so I videochatted with my mom for a bit. For some reason, a bunch of people brought donations and joined us for lunch today. Perhaps because it is the weekend? At 2 pm, the Bhikkhunis, samaneris, another layperson, and I left for Bangkok in a big van.

 The big van

The Bhikkhunis were originally invited to chant at the emerald Budda, but Ven. Dhammananda changed the location to Wat Ratchanaddaram because it holds the only known Bhikkhuni statues in Thailand.

 Wat Ratchanaddaram

The site was truly an inspiration - 52 little statues of ordained women listening to the teachings of the larger-than-life sized Buddha. They prove that not only did Buddha ordain and approve of ordaining women, but Thai society accepted Bhikkhunis at some point in history.

 

The 52 Bhikkhuni statues

 My personal favorite - someone even put money in her bag!

Me with the Bhikkhuni statues

I did not bring my book because I did not expect to chant with the Bhikkhunis and samaneris, but I realized that I actually knew most of the chants, either by heart or by hearing some words from the others. I hope I can memorize all of them by the end of my stay!

The Bhikkhunis and samaneris

Everyone chanting

Before we left, we visited the monks at the wat, specifically the abbott. He was sitting in what looked like a library fanning himself...I assume he expected us to visit, unless monks really do sit alone in rooms and fan themselves? I guess I will never know since a woman can never be alone in a room with a monk.

 Monk living quarters

I know they live simply, but ...what is this?

Walking back to the van

Saw this in a doorway...

On the ride back to Nakhon Pathom, I talked to the samaneri who will disrobe on July 5th . I found out that she knows Thai, English, Japanese, Italian, and Spanish! She teaches all of these languages and she did the Peace Corps in Thailand - she is such an inspiration. I will miss her a lot when she leaves.

Day 12: Blessings

Having the bhikkunis here makes the place so much more lively and it feels more like a true wat (even if the government will not officially call it one). The voices of the bhikkunis and 3 samaneris during the chant before breakfast sounded like a beautiful song. It blew me away.
Ven. Dhammananda, 4 bhikkunis, a volunteer, and I left at 8:30 am to go to her youngest son's house and prepare it for the baby on the way. A bhikkuni and I sat in the truck, which is common here (along with no seat belts), but my tummy had the "ut oh" feeling the whole time.

View from the trunk

His wife is 7 months pregnant, so the 5 bhikkunis prepared the house by doing a chanting ritual. I did not know where to sit when we entered the house because I did not want to block the view of the bhikkunis or sit somewhere where I was not allowed. I learned that I must sit lower than the wife.

 Blessing the family

Afterwards, we went to her middle son's art gallery and Ven. Dhammananda blessed it by drawing with some sort of cream on the door. There was a painting and ukelele that I would like buy, but I do not know if I will ever find the place again. Ven. Dhammananda bought me a small notebook as a memory of the place. I did not know how to thank her for the gift and the invitation to come meet her family and watch the ceremony.

 Blessing the art gallery door

 Sign of the art gallery

We returned in time for lunch and her family brought us pizza from nearby. It made me smile since I just had some yesterday, but this was the kind that everyone puts ketchup on here...so I do not consider it true pizza. It tastes good without the ketchup though. They saved me some spaghetti with cheese sauce and mushrooms, which I appreciated and enjoyed for dinner. Having food that I eat in America for dinner really helps my homesickness.

Day 11: Prison Break

Okay well not really, but I got to take the day off today.
The day started off by my usual trip to the bathroom before morning chanting. Little did I know, thousands of tiny, vicious ants covered the sidewalk in front of the bathroom stalls. When I opened the door, I felt painful prickles all over my ankles and feet. I looked down to find at least 30 ants on each leg! I quickly rushed to the shower stall and ran water over my feet. We cannot kill any living beings here, but I did not know what else to do and I figured these resilient ants could probably survive in water.

Scene of the ant attack

After chanting, we had a surprise alms round. At least no one told me about it...everyone else probably knew. We went on the route that I missed last time, so I got to see more of the surrounding area. The push-cart did not fit on the highway, so the layperson wheeled it on a lane in the highway. It did not seem so safe, but the cars made sure to avoid us and the bhikkunis. We encountered 3 monks collecting alms along the route as well. I did not know where they came from, but they must come from another wat nearby.
The alum hired a driver to get me from Nakhon Pathom at 8:30 am, but unfortunately he arrived at 9:30 because of traffic. I slept on the way to Bangkok since I did not get as much sleep as I normally get. You know you're in a rural area when a frog's mating call wakes you up at 2 in the morning.
First, the alum, his friend, and I went to the Emporium, a mall in Bangkok with a nice market and some higher end stores, like Prada. My face lit up when I saw the Cinnabon sign and I could not resist getting a cinnamon bun and mocha drink. I went through most of the aisles in the market and found lots of snacks to keep me going at the monastery.

Entrance to the Emporium

Some items were a bit pricey, so we went to Big C's, a supermarket like a Thai Walmart. We spent more time there than I wanted to, so we did not have time for any touristy locations. Instead, we went to a pizza restaurant called Scoozi's. I ordered a garden salad, margarita pizza, and fettuccine alfredo for us to all share. It still did not taste quite as good as pizza from America (or Italy I am sure), but the meal was just what I needed. We also ordered gelato; I thoroughly enjoyed my ferrero rocher cup.

Scoozi's

View of Bangkok on the ride back

Then it started pouring...this is an example of what some bridges look like here.

Even though I left at 4:30 pm, the traffic and quick stop at 7-eleven for yogurt made me late for evening chanting. I got lost again because they used a different chant book. We went to the Medicine Buddha and did our 108 chants.
When I finally returned to my room, I set up the new fan and put my food away. It felt like the first few days of college - organizing my new stuff so that everything had a place to go. I realized on the ride back, I felt like I was returning home from a day in the city. I wanted to leave the walls of the wat so badly in the beginning, but I realized today that I really did enjoy spending time in the wat. I liked the routine (even the waking up early) and the people here. It made me happy to know that I was finally settling in to life here.

Day 10: Lazy Thursday

I definitely felt my sludge workout when I woke up this morning. The pain was mostly in my back and shoulders from using the shovel. It only makes sitting for chanting and meditation harder.
I found 13 ticks on Dotcom today...ah lucky 13. I need to be careful around these dogs.
I think the weather makes everyone less compelled to do too much work. Today seemed hotter than other days, so I checked weather.com to find that the forecast said "haze". I have never seen haze as an option before - usually it says sunny, cloudy, rainy, or something like that. For temperature, it said "93°F, feels like 106°." Ha okay now I understand why it feels hotter today. The wind at 2mph really helps...
Around 5 pm it got really dark and started raining like crazy. The rainstorms usually last for only an hour or 2, then it gets sunny again.
Tonight in evening chanting, we used some chants from another book and it felt like we were doing marathon chanting. The book only had about 6 pages, but the words were written in a small font size and took up two columns per page. We chanted so long, I became thirsty for some water. Hopefully I will find out why we used a different book tonight since there must be a reason. I have stayed here long enough that people forget to tell me these things.