I've been listening to Rooney's album "Eureka" since the plane ride from New York and their song "Holdin' On" really explains how I feel right now.
In the first verse, their lyrics are:
"I went to school
I never learned
How it feels
How everything you love can burn"
Just last year I graduated from high school and so much has changed in my life since then. School caters to a certain type of education, but our experiences outside of classrooms truly shape each one of us the most. We may learn about literary themes in English classes, but we can only relate to the characters and personally understand those themes once we have suffered from a similar experience. School does not prepare us for the loss of a loved one or the pain of a broken heart. Unfortunately, we must learn these lessons on our own time.
Dealing with suffering makes us stronger in a way no gym class will ever do.
The line "how everything you love can burn" explains the paradox of love. Situations involving love are never black and white; they are the whole color wheel. Red may symbolize the color of love, but there are as many shades of red as there are kinds of love. Family holds a unique kind of love - an ideally unconditional, supportive, and nurturing kind. My first experience with the pains of love dealt with the loss of family members. Later on came the pain of my first break-up. I learned that loving someone romantically when they do not love you back really "can burn." Like the loss of a loved one, only time and acceptance can heal the pain.
I also learned that mutual romantic love can still "burn" while in a long-distance relationship. When we fall in love, we want to be with the other person all the time and experience everything together. Not getting that physical time together can actually hurt. I have a similar heartburn now as I miss my family and friends back home. Like in a long-distance relationship, my heart hurts when I think about the space between me and my loved ones. For now, skyping and emailing will suffice, but the true remedy for my homesickness will be the airplane home.
The lyrics for the chorus are:
"And I don't know why I'm here
I don't know where I'll go
If I don't give it time
How can this garden grow
I don't know what I've lost
And I don't know how to get it back
But I'm holding on ...for as long as I can"
This part of the song really got to me. Even though I wrote an application for the Freeman Grant explaining my internship in Thailand, do I really know why I am at this specific wat in Thailand? I can come up with many answers, but if I dig deep down, I really don't know why fate brought me here of all places. I believe that discovering the reasons why this whole trip came together is part of the trip itself. And no, "I don't know where I'll go" after this experience either. I always wanted to join the Peace Corps and teach in a third world country, but my time here has already made me reconsider what I want to do with my life. Should I major in Psychology and French and minor in Education as planned or should I switch to Sociology, Philosophy, or Religious Studies? Does teaching in a third world country still appeal to me as much now that I have lived in one? I do not know the answers to these questions yet, nor will I know them at the end of my trip. I think going back to school and applying what I have learned here will help me put the puzzle pieces of my life together.
My experience at this wat symbolizes the garden in this song. At first, culture shock made me view the wat in a negative light. But with some time, I have already grown to enjoy it here. I do not know if I have lost any "baggage" yet (I wrote about that in a previous post), but I still have time and many more lessons to learn. I think I lost a bit of my germaphobia, immaturity, and potentially some sanity as well...who knows. All I can do is continue my journey here one day at a time and keep "holdin' on" until my flight back to America.
Garden at Rama Park
PS - I highly recommend checking out Rooney's CD "Eureka"
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